100-Percent-Guaranteed Technology Predictions for 2009

Everybody issues predictions this time of year. The only difference is that mine are backed by a money-back guarantee that they will occur on the precise dates indicated.

In other words, you can take these 2009 technology predictions to the bank.

Oh, wait. . .you don’t want to put anything in the bank this year. Instead, just keep me honest by transferring these dates to your Outlook calendar so you can keep track throughout the year.

Jan 15: The GOP, determined to get serious about new technologies this year, sends out a blistering fundraising e-mail decrying “the tragic failures of the Obama Administration and the liberal elites.” The e-mail is recalled when an RNC staffer discovers the Obama Administration does not begin for five days.

Jan 20: So many people simultaneously send mobile phone pictures during the historic inauguration of Barack Obama that cell towers along the entire Eastern Seaboard ignite, creating the President’s first domestic crisis.

Feb 3: Apple unveils the revolutionary iShorts, a pair of wireless, GPS-enabled underpants that plays music, provides directions, offers dating recommendations and monitors urine levels. It is available to AT&T customers only.

Feb 10: The GOP, determined to get serious about new technologies this year, sends an intern to Best Buy “to get us a bunch of really fast computers.” Only after the equipment is installed in the offices of all Republican Senators it is discovered that the devices are actually microwave ovens.

Feb 17: On Digital Transition Day, the government reports very few problems, on account of the fact that most people still using analog TVs died in the 1990s.

Feb 18: All those people who have claimed for years that the CIA was communicating with them through the fillings in their teeth report sudden relief, baffling the psychiatric research community.

March 8: As the economy continues to struggle the administration hires unemployed workers to sort through the 47 million “Tell Us What You Think” e-mails it receives each month. The effort is terminated when it turns out nearly all of the e-mails say “Stop sending me donation requests, for God’s sake, you’re already the freaking President.”

March 15: The heads of auto companies deliver a progress report on their plans to return to profitability. Chrysler brings a prototype of its new “100-percent pollution-free vehicle” that runs on “a variety of renewable fuel sources,” is manufactured “entirely with recycled materials” and has “fewer moving parts than any car on the road today.” It is the Flintstone Mobile.

April 1: Newspapers continue to struggle as their business model erodes. But there is a brief glimmer of hope when the New York Times discovers that it can reduce total costs by 4 percent if it publishes stories about the decline of the newspaper industry only on the web.

April 17: As its health care reform plan rolls out, the administration introduces electronic medical records throughout the health care system. Unemployed technology workers are put to work showing doctors how to use a mouse.

April 23: Representatives of the “Web 2.0″ industry appeal to Congress to ask for “some of that bailout money.” A pale pudgy dude with Wolverine sideburns testifies, “We’ve got this really cool mobile app that mashes up music, restaurant and dating reviews with sturgeon migration data, and all we need is a few million bucks.” The Fish and Wildlife Service agrees to study the proposal.

May 3 After just three months of operation, the iShorts App Store records its 1 millionth download. The Guitar Hero “Extended Solo” application is the top seller.

June 11 The GOP, determined to get serious about new technologies this year and emboldened by the victory of Chip Saltsman, who won the RNC chairmanship after sending out a holiday CD featuring the song “Barack the Magic Negro,” creates a “hangman” game widget with an image of President Obama in place of the stick figure. In one week the effort produces $10 million in donations from Mississippi alone.

June 30: Forrester releases a report showing that the rise in Twitter use closely tracks the unemployment rate. Analysts say they hope to determine which is the cause and which is the effect.

July 16: As part of its strategy to improve its image, Google offers to buy 51 percent of the Ford Motor Company on the condition that “we get to run ads on the windshields.” The Consumer Product Safety Commission says it will study the proposal.

July 21: The media reports a stunning technology breakthrough for Democrats: an eerily lifelike hologram of Joe Biden who “visits” middle-class homes and has “conversations” with “real Americans.” But it is soon discovered that it is not a hologram but Joe Biden himself, who doesn’t have anything else to do.

August 2: American newspaper publishers, seeking novel ways to hold down costs, roll out a “retro” plan where elementary school boys riding bikes in their neighborhoods will play an important role in bringing news to the community. This time they will be reporters.

Sept 9: After figures show an alarming drop in productivity in the white-collar sector, the federal government creates “Get America Moving Again Day.” Citizens are asked to spend the day de-friending, unfollowing, blocking, unsubscribing and staying the hell off YouTube.

Sept 17 General Motors, flush with cash from a federal bailout and seeking to invest in key technologies, spends $14 billion to buy the Vista operating system from Microsoft.

Sept 24 As the economy continues to deteriorate, the administration rolls out a program to combat global warming and create jobs by having unemployed technology workers “stand there blowing on the computers” in data centers nationwide.

Oct 4: Google offers to buy “all those bad loans that are still screwing up the economy” on the condition that it can run ads alongside the settlement papers. The Federal Housing Administration agrees to study the proposal.

October 18: After dozens of U.S. diplomats begin using Twitter as part of the State Department’s Diplomacy 2.0 initiative, the widely followed @GoCommandoJoe is revealed to be an Iranian spy who has been Tweeting with the government’s super-secret #eyesonly hashtag, creating paralyzing confusion in Foggy Bottom. @GoCommandoJoe gains 2,000 followers overnight and gets custom Twitter wallpaper.

October 22: As part of the continuing consolidation in the Web 2.0 space, the following companies merge: YouTube, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, FriendFeed and Flickr. The new entity, named “FlickInMyFace, Friend, FeedYourSpaceTube,” is purchased by some really rich guy in Dubai.

Nov. 8 Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, determined to use new technologies this year, makes a fundraising video in which she discusses her plan to “take back the real America from the so-called liberal elitey-peteys and those socialistical mainstream media distorters, especially Katie Couric.” The video is downloaded 2 million times in 24 hours mostly because as Palin speaks, in the background a local hunter is disemboweling a bull elk.

Dec. 3: In a novel use of digital technology, auto executives appeal to Congress for more bailout money, this time via webcam. This done not as a PR move, but because they are testifying from federal prison.

Apologies to Dave Barry.